Why Do I Feel Embarrassed, Dirty, and Ashamed?Understanding the Psychology Behind the Forbidden Desires of Dark Romance, Intimacy, and Connection

In the dimly lit corners of desire, where societal norms can often clash with deep existential personal yearnings, lies a paradoxical world of dark romance explored by many in secrecy through literature, entertainment or experiences.

For those who have wrestled with feelings of embarrassment, rejection, guilt, or shame surrounding their desires, it may feel like an internal war between self-expression and societal expectations. But why do these emotions arise? And why does seeking connection through taboo desires provoke such visceral reactions?

The movie Baby Girl—a raw, intimate exploration of a woman’s journey into self-discovery—serves as a poignant backdrop for unpacking these questions. Let’s delve into the psychological landscape of BDSM, sexuality, and connection, and confront the emotions that can make dark romance themes appear both thrilling and terrifying.

The Shadow of Shame: Why We Feel Embarrassed

Shame is a powerful emotion, rooted in societal conditioning and personal identity. Growing up, we’re taught what is “normal” and “acceptable.” Anything that falls outside those lines, especially when it comes to sexuality—is often branded as deviant. For many, this creates an internal narrative that labels their desires as “wrong.” (Forkus et al., 2022)

In Baby Girl, the protagonist struggles with her attraction to power dynamics in relationships. Her shame isn’t just about what she feels; it’s about fearing judgment from the world. She questions her own worth and wrestles whether her desires diminish her value as a person. This mirrors a common experience: feeling like our kinks or fetishes somehow make us “less than” or undeserving of love and respect.

Psychologically, this stems from what’s called introjected shame, where societal judgments are internalized to the point that they shape how we see ourselves. (Talbot et al., 2004) It’s not the desire itself that’s inherently shameful—it’s the fear of how others will perceive us. 

Why Does It Feel Dirty? The Taboo of BDSM

Research suggests, that BDSM—an acronym for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism - is often misunderstood. (Marujo et al., 2023) Ateret Gerwitz-Meydan, a researcher and sex therapist who studies the relationship between BDSM and childhood sexual abuse, suggests that BDSM at its core, is about trust, consent, and exploration. Yet, because it involves elements of control, pain, or roleplay, it can clash with cultural ideas of what love, sex, and intimacy should look like. (Gewirtz-Meydan et al., 2024)

Baby Girl showcases this tension and its complexities with empathy and compassion.  As the protagonist begins to explore BDSM, she discovers a deeper sense of intimacy with herself and her “forbidden” partner. But the journey isn’t without conflict. She struggles with feelings of embarrassment, guilt, fear of rejection and shame because the experience forces her and her spouse to confront their conditioned societal beliefs about pleasure, morality, infidelity and betrayal.

The truth is feelings of “shame” arise when desires are framed as taboo. Psychology argues that this discomfort is not an inherent property of BDSM but rather a byproduct of living in a society that pathologizes anything that deviates from the norm. (Faccio & Cipolletta, 2014) For many, reclaiming these desires as valid can be a transformative process of self-acceptance. (Damm et al., 2017) 

Connection Through Submission and Control

One of the most compelling and yet perplexing aspects of BDSM is its capacity to foster deep emotional and physical connection. Contrary to the assumption that BDSM is only about physical acts, it’s often an intense psychological exchange. (Carlström, 2018)

In Baby Girl, submission becomes a metaphor for trust. By relinquishing control, the protagonist discovers vulnerability and freedom. On the other hand, her partner, as the dominant, takes on the responsibility of caring for her emotional and physical boundaries. This interplay is a dance of connection—one that requires more communication and consent than many traditional relationships. (Pliskin & Center for Positive Sexuality, 2018)

Psychologically, this dynamic can appeal to the fundamental human need: to feel safe, understood, and valued. For some, power exchange heightens these emotions, creating a profound sense of intimacy. It’s not about losing oneself; it’s about finding a space where vulnerability is met with acceptance and care. (De Neef et al., 2019)

Breaking the Cycle: From Shame to Self-Acceptance

If Baby Girl teaches us anything, it’s that the path to self-acceptance is rarely linear. Confronting embarrassment, fear of rejection, guilt and shame require courage and introspection. Here are a few steps that can help:

1. Educate Yourself: Understanding BDSM, its principles, and its psychological connection with sexuality, sexual pleasure, trauma history and behavior can help:

• Demystify the experience and/or allure of BDSM

• Encourage introspection regarding the drivers behind dark romance themed thoughts, feelings or desires

• Reduce feelings of guilt, shame and/or rejection regarding thoughts or actions

2. Practice Self-Compassion: Remind yourself that desires are a natural part of being human. They don’t define your worth or morality.

3. Seek Therapy: Working with a sex-positive therapist can help unpack feelings of shame and foster a sense of clarity and understanding around your desires in a safe, nonjudgmental environment.

Conclusion: Embracing the Complexity of Desire

Baby Girl, for many, is a mirror reflecting the struggles, fears, and triumphs of those who dare to confront their desires. Embarrassment, fear of rejection, guilt, and shame are not endpoints but steppingstones on the journey to self-understanding and connection.

Ultimately, the psychology of dark romance and connection is about reclaiming your narrative. It’s about finding empowerment in your desires and realizing that pleasure and vulnerability can coexist without shame. (Faccio & Cipolletta, 2014) Just like the protagonist of Baby Girl, we all have the capacity to embrace the complexity of our humanity and write our own stories of connection, love, and self-acceptance.

Author’s Note:

This article isn’t just for those intrigued by dark romance theme experiences or entertainment - it’s for anyone who has ever felt ashamed of their desires. By understanding and embracing our complex inner worlds, we can move toward a culture of empathy, openness, and connection.

Fanicy Sears, LPC-S, LMFT, NCC

Clinical Director

eMotion Therapy, LLC

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